Babylon 5 season 1 episode 3: Born to the Purple

You guys, this episode was bad. It was well acted by Peter Jurasik but beyond that it had basically no redeeming value.

This week, Londo (Jurasik) falls in love with a dancer (stripper?) who tries to steal his (laughably titled) “purple files” and that’s it. It is silly, ultimately pointless, develops no relationships and just sort of…happens. What there is though, is terrible fashion!

Screenshot (69)Our story begins with Sinclair and G’Kar interrupting Londo at the station’s…um…”burlesque house” where a young Barbara Mandrell practices for her set at Lillith Fair.

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Meet Adira (Fabiana Udenio) our plot device for the week. She’s a dancer, a slave, an adventurous dresser and a much better actress than this show allows her to be.

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And apparently she lives in a genie’s bottle.

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Jerry Doyle looks just as shocked at this credit as I am. Really? Harlan Ellison?

Anyway

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Game Boys existed in 1994 so there is no excuse for Vir’s (Stephen Furst) janky handheld. Come on prop department, spend a penny

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Although the dreaded return of the 13″ CRT monitor tells us that budget is still a primary concern. Also, I swear this is the best image I could grab, I do not hate Stephen Furst.

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I know I bitched a lot last time about how stupid these commlinks are on this show but look at this shit, Ivannova’s is basically peeling off. The corner there might as well act like a fist weapon. This was such a stupid impractical concept and I will never not point out how dumb it is.

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Speaking of, Adira is tasked with stealing the access code to the purple files (so, so stupid) with this…butt plug? super headlight? Ink & quill set? God I hate you, Babylon 5 prop department.

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More props: these janky “flowers” with Christmas lights and shredded zip-loc baggies dangling from them.

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Also: “Universe Today” ha?

 

And now a triptych of “what the hell is Adira wearing why do you all hate Adira??” She wears this Victorian-inspired mess for the remainder of the episode. It’s so floofy and complicated and so out of place with everything else I just do not get it.

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Additionally, Talia’s “nude illusion” shoulders are so CMA Awards 1987 I can’t stand it. Why is there SO MUCH velour in the future, huh?

 

Follow. That. Bustle!

Okay. Now we come to the dumbest part of this very dumb episode. Londo and Sinclair are looking for Adira. They go to the burlesque house before they open to try to speak with the girls. Londo, wears a hood to at least try a disguise (never mind that he told us earlier that he’s there nightly) but Sinclair just puts on a coat. Face fully visible. Now, why they’re trying to be sneaky with this rejected Dick Tracy-villain who runs the club I don’t know -like, just ask to talk to the girls! But for the club owner to not recognize the COMMANDER OF THE STATION is ludicrous! Especially if he’s criminally-aligned!

 

I mean, if it was just and excuse for Michael O’Hare to use a crazy palooka voice and make weird faces… I’ll allow it.

Screenshot (93)These “dancers” (in quotes because I have no idea what this place is. Are they sex workers? ‘Cause that is fine if they just say that!) are so extra.

 

Wraparound glasses = alien bounty hunter

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So we’re all certain he didn’t make a copy of the IMMENSELY IMPORTANT SECRET FILES THAT COULD END YOUR CAREER? OK!

TROPES

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You knew there was an O2 mask. Of course there is!

QUESTIONS

Why? What was the point of all of this?

What are “purple files?”

Why did we need the subplot of Garibaldi creepily watching SUSAN’S FATHER’S DYING MESSAGE TO HER?????

Do all female Centauri look like Adira? Was she Centauri?

Why does Londo (and in this episode G’Kar) get an assistant? Where’s Delenn’s assistant (I gather from credits he exists…?)

Speaking of Delenn, I thought the Minbari were the “big” aliens for this show. Like the Vulcans were on Star Trek initially. Not even a mention of them in this episode?

Sinclair and Talia are gonna hook up, right?

This was BY FAR the worst episode yet. As I said before, Peter Jurasik gets some nice moments and his chemistry with Fabiana Udenio is really nice but I have never been more bored. This story was bizarre and the logic was non-existent. And no one was born to anything purple or otherwise, what does that even mean?

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but, when does Bruce Boxleitner get here? This is getting silly.

Next time: an Infection!

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